No complaints – A letter of apology
First time when I noticed you, my heart skipped a beat.
I knew how out of my league you were, but my heart didn’t care about it.
I should have been wise and made it stop wanting you.
Your flattering manner of speaking overwhelmed me with fantasies.
Words of love escaping your tongue and resting on my ears was all my heart wished for.
I should have been realistic enough to separate reality & fantasy.
The pending request from you in my inbox was a shock I couldn’t take.
I should have been smart enough to only give you my notes and talk further.
(Shouldn’t have been over-excited since the next shock might have almost killed me from a heart attack.)
“I want to date you.” Lame.
That’s not how you express your feelings! Especially over text?! Outrageous!
But oh, I should have been strong enough to say a simple “No”.
Watching movies in a theater was never my way of spending time nor money.
But a horror movie on our first date kinda turned me on and you promised me a surprise.
I should have been selfless enough to be happy with only holding your hand.
My heart wanted to, but I knew kissing under the stairs could get us in trouble.
“I love the thrill you give me.” You excused, when I resisted and I forgot everything else.
I should have been honest enough and told you about my paranoia.
Months passed and our movie dates became more frequent and our kisses lost count.
You made me feel special and that’s all I ever wanted.
You had my heart, but I should have been selfish enough to keep it to my self.
The day came when you were home alone. “Come prepared.” You told me, but I was too naïve.
You opened the door and I saw your apartment for the first time.
That day, we cuddled for hours and then there was nothing else I ever wanted.
A week later, you said you couldn’t resist cuddling me and booked a hotel room for us.
How was I to know you’d ask me something I was never prepared for?
When you pulled up the condom, I recoiled. “It’s safe, darling.”
You put a hand in my hair and caressed me. “I don’t want to. Not yet.” I cried out.
“Don’t you trust me?” There, you pulled the perfect bait. Of course, I trusted you.
But I was afraid. Afraid of everything I should have been afraid of since day one that I wasn’t.
Eventually, I gave in to your requests and we did it. It wasn’t the best day of my life, as I had imagined it to be.
Nor did losing my virginity have enough pleasure to make me feel any less guilty than I still do.
But I found solace in the hope that you’d be with me until the end.
I should have learned by now that I was wrong. But I didn’t learn it myself so you taught me.
A year from our first date, you texted me you don’t feel the same about me.
You broke up with me the same way you proposed me. Over texts.
And both the times, the texts changed my world.
I should have ruined your life but I couldn’t, all because my stupid heart loved you.
Witnessed you change your next girls like we changed our kissing spots.
I still can’t stop my heart from loving you since you still have it.
But I have changed, now.
I’m wise enough to not want you back in my life.
Realistic enough to know you’re never coming back.
Smart enough to not be in the same mess as you left me in.
Strong enough to live without worrying what you think of me.
Selfless enough to still care for your well being.
And I’ve learned every lesson of my life you taught me.
So, darling, this ain’t a come-back-to-me plea or sympathize-my-life show-off.
It’s an apology to me for underestimating myself.